Three Wise Men

Jose paced back and forth in his small apartment, nibbling on the nail of his right thumb. Three thuds could be heard from beneath him, so he stopped pacing and yelled to the floor, “Sorry, Mrs. Rutledge!”

Continuing to dine on his own nail, Jose walked into the kitchen area, pulled a cup out from the cupboard, and filled it with water from the sink. He walked back into the living room area, which in this apartment was no more than a few steps away, and took a sip from his cup before placing it on a paintless wooden end table, which fell apart almost as soon as he let go of the cup. Two more thuds could be heard beneath him.

Jose stood, staring in shock and disappointment at the dismantled end table lying in a puddle of water next to his couch. As he stared, he heard a humming which brought his attention to his cellphone in the puddle, vibrating. A call was coming from Dimitri.

“Dimitri!” said Jose once he answered the phone.

“Bro, I got text. Is this joke?” replied Dimitri in his thick Eastern European accent.

“It’s true, or it’s what Maria’s claiming to be true, you know. That’s why I asked for your advice. Like, I have no clue what to think.”

“Bro, listen. Bitches. They lie… Like dogs. You can never trust what comes from their mouths. Back in Estonia, we have ways to deal with women like this.”

“Yeah, that sounds cool and all, but let’s just consider for a second that maybe she is telling the truth.”

“Bro, listen to me now. You’re called sterile, yes? So how is it your baby? I go to Sunday school when I was a boy, and there they talk of virgin birth. Not same thing, but similar. I don’t believe them then. I don’t believe this now. You put Maria on street like wet garbage, then we go to club and get more bitches. What you say?”

Jose stared at the sunset from his apartment window, not knowing what to say, but lucky for him he didn’t have to waste much time stumbling around for an answer, since another call was coming in. He looked at the screen and saw it read “Abuela.”

“Hey, Dimitri,” said Jose. “I got to go. I’ll call you back.”

“Yeah, yeah. Later, bro,” replied Dimitri.

Jose answered the incoming call and held the phone away from his ear, as he knew once he answered there would be a loud “Nieto!” coming from the other end of the line. Jose’s grandmother went on to say, “Praise Jesús! Our family has been blessed!”

“Abuela, not so loud,” said Jose, bringing the phone back to his ear. He went into the kitchen and grabbed a dishtowel while continuing with, “Hey, how’s that end table I made you? Actually, never mind. What do you mean our family has been blessed?”

At a volume more appropriate for a phone conversation, Abuela said, “You didn’t think you could have children, and now look. That is a blessing from God. He must have big plans for that child. This baby may be the second coming.”

“I think you’re letting your imagination get the better of you,” replied Jose.

“What are you saying? You don’t believe in Jesús no more?” asked Abuela.

“That’s not what I’m saying,” groaned Jose. “I’m just saying what if Maria is lying and just slept with someone else? There is that possibility. It’s the more likely possibility. I don’t know what to do. Maybe I should just put her on the street like wet garbage.”

“Wet garbage?” said Abuela. “Where did you learn to talk about women like that?”

“Abuela… “ sighed Jose.

“Don’t ‘Abuela’ me. You’ve been given a miracle. Where’s your faith?” said Abuela. Jose didn’t want to answer that question, and a true miracle came when he didn’t have to because another call was coming in. He looked at the screen and saw it read “Cousin Candice.”

“Hey listen. Candice is calling me, so I have to go,” said Jose.

“Call me back later. I want to talk about this,” replied Abuela.

“Sure,” said Jose, although he had no intention of calling her back and regretted texting her about his problems in the first place. He walked over to the couch, switched his call over to Cousin Candice, and said, “Hello?”

“Hey, I got your text,” said Cousin Candice. Jose could hear her crunching on what he assumed were nachos, and she continued with, “That’s pretty crazy.”

“So what do you think I should do?” asked Jose. “I talked to Dimitri about it, and he said to dump her, which makes sense. Then I talked to Abuela, and she believes Maria’s pregnant with Jesus or something, which is crazy… Right?”

Jose listened to Cousin Candice chomping on the other end of the phone before she said, “Geez, you love to whine.”

“I’m being serious,” replied Jose. He bent down and used the dish towel to clean up the water puddle. “I guess I should just get a DNA test done before deciding anything.”

“It won’t matter, and nothing Maria, Abuela, and especially fucking Dimitri say matters either,” said Cousin Candice. “If you want to be with Maria, then be with her. If you don’t, then don’t. DNA test results aren’t going to make your relationship with Maria any better, and the baby won’t know the difference.”